| Since my therapist has stopped taking my calls, I need to vent to you the reader regarding this unraveling ALCS series. Lets break down Game 3 Peter King style, Monday morning QB.
Last week Bill Simmons had a bizarre comparison of himself to George Clooney (http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/071012&sportCat=nfl ) . Well I will make an equally bizarre but accurate comparison- last night’s Sox lineup was like an aging future-Clooney circa 2027: Most of the time they were looking like their old self, taking pitches, getting men on base, etc. But when it was time to bang the hot cocktail waitress you brought back to your hotel room (i.e. SCORE RUNS!!!) you couldn’t get it up and there was no Levitra in sight. Just a tremendous letdown especially based on historic performance.
The Terrific Three:
1) Colorado- Wow, they certainly pushed the easy button this series. At this point they are on such a can’t lose streak we should send them to Iraq after the Series then start collecting signatures to get them on the ’08 ballot. Rhetorical question- if a baseball team wins in Denver during football and ski season does it make a sound?
2) Boston- there are too many veterans on this squad to count us out yet. Also we have another Beckett outing, maybe 2 if rain is on our side. The ducks have been on the pond too which is encouraging, now we just need to knock ‘em in.
3) Cleveland- Yeah, they’re ahead and have the big mo, but have probably been playing above their heads as opposed to the Sox probably getting some bad breaks or inopportune plays. Also they have Kenny Lofton, gnats, Lake Eerie, and are recently suffering the departure of Drew Carey (the Ben Affleck of Cleveland) to L.A. to take Barker’s gig.
John Kerry Offensive Players of the Week:
Manny Ortez: These guys are amazing. Lets not forget that combined they are seeing less than 10 good pitches a game and still they are producing and getting on base all the time.
Defensive Player of Game 3
Pedroia. Just for that play where he almost turned 2 to end the inning. Running full speed one way then throwing across his body in mid air a perfect strike. What a play, if that was an out the score is tighter and momentum could have swung back our way.
Coach of the Week:
Eric Wedge. Yeah his hunches in the bullpen have worked out great, but why didn’t anyone tell me this guy was the new spokesmodel for Derelicte’s fall fashion line? This guy looks like he came straight outta Pine Street or was just thrown out of the Hobo traincar. The third shift drunks who are at Tom English’s Cottage at 7 a.m. look better than this guy. Just tremendous lack of hygiene, even by baseball standards. They give Francona shit about not wearing his jersey but don’t come down on Wedge for looking like a grifter? I don’t get it.
Goat of the Week:
I know he didn’t pitch last night, but since I didn’t blog games 1 or 2 I need to lie down on the couch for a couple of sentences about Gagne. First off, he looks worse than Wedge. Its ok for Wedge to look drunk and slobberly, thousands of Sox fans manage each game the same way. But Gagne is a PLAYER. He’s so chubby sometimes I worry he will need to stop to rest when he’s jogging (that’s a stretch, more like a brisk walk) in from the ‘pen. He looks like the guy from Swingers when he gets depressed, draws the shades for weeks and drinks OJ from the carton. Fucking terrible. Even game one he left ‘em loaded before ending the game, and he was only in because we had a 7 run lead. Is it too late to bring back Cash the 3rd catcher and drop Gagne? This guy brings me back to pre-2004 anxiety levels just when I hear his name.
Ten things I think I think
1) I think that guy banging the drums out in center field needs one of those extreme makeovers- I can just see it…. “Ok sir now put down the drumsticks, first we are going to de-louse you then we’ll get you out of those old clothes”
2) Speaking of the drum guy in center field- how about his kimosabe next to him? That guy looks like the love child of Wedge and Gagne. Tough town.
3) I was at Game 1 Friday nite, great times. The women that men bring on dates are a lot hotter than regular season dates- I hope each guy got laid, he could have spent the same money and instead just gotten a really quality hooker at home and watched the game on HD.
4) I think TIVo is great. Came home 30 minutes after game started, FF thru commercials and was caught up to live time by the 4th inning.
5) Another great benefit of TiVo- fast forwarding those stupid Dane Cook commercials- what a fucking loser.
6) I think we need to score some crooked numbers off Byrd tonight- this guy is questionable at best. At some point Cleveland’s bullpen needs to give it up, I don’t believe they can keep this up.
7) I think there is no downside to Ellsbury over Drew tonight in the lineup. Does anyone out there think Drew will do anything except be average at best this series? All Ellsbury does is make plays, put him in the lineup and shake the batting order up tonight, we need a spark.
8) I think Terry needs to stop with Drew and Gagne Get off your knees Terry, you’re blowing the veterans (and the series)!
9) Is it ok for Kenny Lofton to be that cheesy at age 40? What was with that handshake?
10) I may have been under the influence at this point, but did remy look like Deputy Dog last night on the postgame show? He was not made for high-def.
Who I like tonight in Game 4:
I like the Sox in a high scoring affair. Also I like my chances of nervously drinking 15 beers to make it through his start.
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